Solitude

Recently I've found myself wanting to pick up the piano again. I've found myself picking out the piano parts in songs, thinking in beats, hearing music in everything, tapping along to songs i hear. it's driving me crazy. 'I'm goin august rush or somethin!' as my mom would say. haha.

I'm in need of a piano and I don't know why. I don't know why I need to play. It's unexplainable.

I got the urge today to listen to hymns from church. I haven't been to any sort of church since shortly after my dad's funeral, but out of nowhere hymns started popping into my head and i found myself singing out loud. One hymn in particular was one we sang at the funeral. I'm not sure if these urges are because i miss my dad like no other and I've been thinking about him nonstop for the last month...but it seems to be the only logical explanation i can come up with. he wanted me to continue playing after my grandparents booted me out. i refused tho, being the stubborn person i am.

about 2 weeks ago Markie and i stopped by his parent's house while they were out of town to take a dip in the hot tub. (the only thing i could think of to stop the migraine i had). i saw the piano and i was drawn to it. as if magnetically attracted. i sat down and started playing the songs I'd memorized many years ago. i got stuck on one and couldn't stop playing it until i remembered the parts I'd forgotten.

I'm nowhere near as dexterous as i used to be. I'm so out of practice it's embarrassing. 7 years of piano lessons, hours of practicing every day...it's a passion i have that wasn't a passion when i had a piano. something that i did so much so long ago is still something i love more than words can explain. i surpassed my piano teacher and began teaching myself. because what she was 'teaching' me wasn't enough. i needed more. it's like an addiction. I'm a pianist without a piano and I'm going to go crazy if i don't get ahold of a piano soon. haha. [it's not really THAT bad..total exaggeration. but still, it's how i feel right now.]

i looked up the hymn that's been stuck in my head on rhapsody. low and behold, my most favorite composer [David Nevue] did his own version of Be Still My Soul. I played the song and instantly began crying. [those who know me, know I don't cry..] I got chills like crazy and began looking through the music he had uploaded to rhapsody. Solitude is a song by David that I played so often and practiced for so long I had it memorized. One of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard. It's frustrating that I don't remember how to play it.

Now I'm determined to find his books. The books I had when I was taking lessons. Even if I have to use the dinky little keyboard that my husband has stored away,

I am going to play.