Inner Peace and Ramblings

Being anxiety ridden basically my whole life, I live 12 seconds ahead of everyone else. constantly. anxiety has kept me from doing so many things in life that would benefit me greatly. it's my arch nemesis, and yet it engulfs my life on a daily basis.

for example:

if I'm getting ready to go somewhere, I will go through 3 outfits until I am comfortable and feel cute. I'll get completely ready and be satisfied with what I'm wearing, ready to walk out the door and face the world.

and 5 minutes later I will change.


I've always been this way. I've always kept clothes in my car, because I can leave the house feeling great about myself, but by the time I get somewhere, I'm ready to change just because I don't like what I'm wearing.

call it lame, stupid, self conscious, low self esteem, indecisive, picky...call it what you want, but what it is is anxiety.


my mom has always told me that major life and self changes take place between the ages of 19 and 25, then 30, 40 and 50. I always brushed her off, and am now coming to realize that she was oh so right. in the last few months, i've had a few of my little anxiety breakdowns, but little by little I am over coming this nonsense. I am stronger than I have been, I am me. finally.


still lie the troubling 'who am I?' and 'what is my purpose?' self doubting thoughts.

I've learned to counter them with positive thoughts, such as 'I am a daughter of God, I am beautiful and I am loved', 'I am a wonderful wife and my husband loves me', 'I can', 'I am doing to' and 'I will'.


No one ever knows who they are, because we have so many selves that come through at different moments. Around our families, friends, coworkers, bosses, neighbors..we all put on a different self for different situations.


No longer will anxiety have a hold on my life, because my life is mine to live, and I am no longer letting anyone or anything else change that. No longer will the words and actions of others effect me on a deep level, no longer will I take their hurt to heart. I am the only one who controls my emotions, I am the only one who decides to react. That's what they look for, weakness and open wounds to pour salt on. Rubber and glue ;)


I am just going to keep being me, that's the best I can be :)



inner:
peace
love
acceptance




D.