Inner Peace and Ramblings

Being anxiety ridden basically my whole life, I live 12 seconds ahead of everyone else. constantly. anxiety has kept me from doing so many things in life that would benefit me greatly. it's my arch nemesis, and yet it engulfs my life on a daily basis.

for example:

if I'm getting ready to go somewhere, I will go through 3 outfits until I am comfortable and feel cute. I'll get completely ready and be satisfied with what I'm wearing, ready to walk out the door and face the world.

and 5 minutes later I will change.


I've always been this way. I've always kept clothes in my car, because I can leave the house feeling great about myself, but by the time I get somewhere, I'm ready to change just because I don't like what I'm wearing.

call it lame, stupid, self conscious, low self esteem, indecisive, picky...call it what you want, but what it is is anxiety.


my mom has always told me that major life and self changes take place between the ages of 19 and 25, then 30, 40 and 50. I always brushed her off, and am now coming to realize that she was oh so right. in the last few months, i've had a few of my little anxiety breakdowns, but little by little I am over coming this nonsense. I am stronger than I have been, I am me. finally.


still lie the troubling 'who am I?' and 'what is my purpose?' self doubting thoughts.

I've learned to counter them with positive thoughts, such as 'I am a daughter of God, I am beautiful and I am loved', 'I am a wonderful wife and my husband loves me', 'I can', 'I am doing to' and 'I will'.


No one ever knows who they are, because we have so many selves that come through at different moments. Around our families, friends, coworkers, bosses, neighbors..we all put on a different self for different situations.


No longer will anxiety have a hold on my life, because my life is mine to live, and I am no longer letting anyone or anything else change that. No longer will the words and actions of others effect me on a deep level, no longer will I take their hurt to heart. I am the only one who controls my emotions, I am the only one who decides to react. That's what they look for, weakness and open wounds to pour salt on. Rubber and glue ;)


I am just going to keep being me, that's the best I can be :)



inner:
peace
love
acceptance




D.

Solitude

Recently I've found myself wanting to pick up the piano again. I've found myself picking out the piano parts in songs, thinking in beats, hearing music in everything, tapping along to songs i hear. it's driving me crazy. 'I'm goin august rush or somethin!' as my mom would say. haha.

I'm in need of a piano and I don't know why. I don't know why I need to play. It's unexplainable.

I got the urge today to listen to hymns from church. I haven't been to any sort of church since shortly after my dad's funeral, but out of nowhere hymns started popping into my head and i found myself singing out loud. One hymn in particular was one we sang at the funeral. I'm not sure if these urges are because i miss my dad like no other and I've been thinking about him nonstop for the last month...but it seems to be the only logical explanation i can come up with. he wanted me to continue playing after my grandparents booted me out. i refused tho, being the stubborn person i am.

about 2 weeks ago Markie and i stopped by his parent's house while they were out of town to take a dip in the hot tub. (the only thing i could think of to stop the migraine i had). i saw the piano and i was drawn to it. as if magnetically attracted. i sat down and started playing the songs I'd memorized many years ago. i got stuck on one and couldn't stop playing it until i remembered the parts I'd forgotten.

I'm nowhere near as dexterous as i used to be. I'm so out of practice it's embarrassing. 7 years of piano lessons, hours of practicing every day...it's a passion i have that wasn't a passion when i had a piano. something that i did so much so long ago is still something i love more than words can explain. i surpassed my piano teacher and began teaching myself. because what she was 'teaching' me wasn't enough. i needed more. it's like an addiction. I'm a pianist without a piano and I'm going to go crazy if i don't get ahold of a piano soon. haha. [it's not really THAT bad..total exaggeration. but still, it's how i feel right now.]

i looked up the hymn that's been stuck in my head on rhapsody. low and behold, my most favorite composer [David Nevue] did his own version of Be Still My Soul. I played the song and instantly began crying. [those who know me, know I don't cry..] I got chills like crazy and began looking through the music he had uploaded to rhapsody. Solitude is a song by David that I played so often and practiced for so long I had it memorized. One of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard. It's frustrating that I don't remember how to play it.

Now I'm determined to find his books. The books I had when I was taking lessons. Even if I have to use the dinky little keyboard that my husband has stored away,

I am going to play.

ERROR

I am officially convinced that there is an error in my physical makeup. There's no other explaination as to why I suffer such pain every month. Cystic ovaries: cancelled out.
Endomytriosis: could be, but wouldn't the obgyn know by now?
Maybe I'm just not made to have kids. Maybe its not in my cards. I had cysts on my ovaries in '08 and had an obgyn tell me it was gonna be hard for me to have kids.(The nurse who did my ultrasound shortly after told me my ovaries were 'cute'...wtf??) Went to another ob for birth control and he told me I have 'a beautiful reproductive tract'and I can have as many kids as I want. Strange, I know. That's like saying 'I like your collar bones' (which is another strange compliment I've received). After the 2nd ob told me my tract is beautiful, I mentioned what the 1st ob said. The doctor, without missing a beat, replied 'oh he's not a real gynecologist' and laughed.

Today I went to the ER due to a fainting spell and nonstop nausea. I've had no energy and severe cramping. We sat in the waiting room for nearly 6 hours. Got poked, prodded, and asked a billion questions. They had the nerve to ask why I came in for something like this. 'Are you freakin kidding me!?' Was my reaction. California health system Sucks. Complete dysfunction. The waiting room was run down. The nurses were rude not only to the patients, but to eachother. So much friction.I swear that place is a breeding ground for Swine Flu.

So now that I'm married, we want a family. We both love kids and want a few of our own.

But with my body being as jacked up as it is, which ob do I believe? If I go to another, what the heck are they gonna say?? I don't wanna know if something more is wrong with me. At the same time, I can't afford to not find out. I want kids, I want a family. If I'm not physically capable, not only will I be crushed, but my husband will be too.

Tomorrow ill be setting up an appt with an obgyn in the area. Keepin our fingers crossed.

-Danielle

Rambling

So i've been thinkin alot about somethin Markie said to me this morning..

It was about discipline in the home, and the effects it has on someone later on in life.

In my opinion, the more discipline placed on a child growing up..i.e. curfew, church, cleanliness of their room, etc. the more likely the child is to rebel.

I don't know who i'd be had i not gone through the trials i did at such a young age. I think everyone who knows my background and has been there with me through majority of it, know that given the circumstances, i shouldn't be where i am today. I pretty much raised myself from 14 on. Up until that point in my life, i was forced to go to church, my room had to be absolutely spotless before i left for school or if i wanted to go out and do something, i had to be home by 10p.m. on friday and saturday nights unless it was a church function or unless i begged to stay out later.

After being kicked out, i was completely lost. i didn't have discipline. i didn't have rules. i had freedom, but at the same time i didn't.

Now i'm married, going to school, making something of myself. I don't know if i'd have that had i not been kicked out and forced to start life sooner than most.

At the same time, personality plays a pretty big role in who someone becomes. Discipline and personality work hand in hand. One person may accept discipline better than another. Another may need a kick in the ass to make something of themself. Or, like myself, the discipline may come as a burden. Something that pushes them to the point of complete rebellion.

Who knows. I needed to vent..and now..i'm goin shoppin =D

Serenity

So today I woke up to take Mark to his brothers house, and decided when i was gettin ready that i wanted to go give my horse a bath.
I dropped markie off and headed on my way. it's such a beautiful day out..but it's a little chilly.

The barn is so peaceful..so serene. There's a heard of deer that roam wherever they please. when i first went to check out the barn before movin coda out there the lady told me:

"we have a family of deer..they roam free, and we don't shoot them"

hahaha. cracks me up.

As i pulled up there were 2 does and 3 babies in the road. they ran off at the sight of my truck. i pulled up to the top of the property where coda's stall is and parked. Turned him out and let him be a horse while i sat in the truck waiting.
I felt something watching me, and when i looked up there was a doe standing still right in front of me. i saw movement behind her, and 2 little babies popped out of a bush. so freakin cute!! i turned off the truck completely and just watched them. she wandered over to the wash rack and ate the cat food i'd put out for the barn cats. i snapped a couple pictures, but the smaller of the two babies ran off because coda spooked.

Momma doe was eatin in the hay barn. I got pretty close to her which amazed me. she watched me give coda a bath from behind a bale of hay.


the babies took off down the road..i was about 10 feet from momma as i took a picture of her little ones..

Coda decided he wanted to be a brat and act up. He didn't want a bath, and he made it clear. BUT he was gonna get a bath whether he liked it or not. He finally realized that his spoiled lil attitude wasn't gettin him anywhere except right back to where he needed to stand.






All in all, it was a great morning =]

Dedicated

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you


You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again


You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting


You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You are everything


And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this


You calm the storms
You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall


You still my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper now


And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this


And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this


Cause you're all I want
You are all I need
You are everything
Everything


You are all I want
You are all I need
You are everything
Everything


And how can I
Stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better
Any better than this

Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this


Everything-Lifehouse





Markie and I have similar tastes in music..we think alike, talk alike, act alike..it's weird, but i love it. Whatever he feels, I feel no matter how far apart we are..we say the same thing at the same time [which is followed by JYNX!!]..i can give him a look and he'll nod, like he knows exactly what i'm thinking word for word. if i'm thinkin about something, he'll look at me for a minute, and then hold my hand to comfort me. It's like we're on the same brain wave. lol.



he'll give me the name of the song and as soon as it starts to play my jaw drops..because it's as if it's written about us. whether it's what we're going through at the time or how we feel about eachother.



today hasn't been the greatest day ever. alot of 'stuff' has gone down. i've been feelin pretty down, and i know he has. they all told us before we got married that marriage isn't easy, but it's worth it. we've still got alot of adjusting and learning to do, and we're both willing to work at it.



i received a message on my facebook from him, dedicating Everything by Lifehouse to me.



it was pretty random, but then again he's nothing but random (and i love it!!). I asked him what made him decide to dedicate it to me, his response:



'Because you're everything to me'

Epic Adventure

Markie and I decided on saturday that we wanted to take a trip to Santa Cruz to go to the beach. We ended up leaving around noon on sunday taking the scary winding road up because he left his cell phone at home, leaving us without directions.

It didn't take us long to get there, but since we didn't have a way of knowing where we were we ended up being sporadic and spontaneous. Taking random left and right had turns wherever we felt like it. We ended up on the 1, the coastal highway, and took off. Looking for beaches where there weren't many people. We drove by a cove and decided to turn around. the view was phenomenal! it was probably one of the most beautiful beaches we'd ever seen.

Markie ended up finding a snake..we tried to catch the little guy but he was too quick. I didn't realize we were gonna have to hike down to see the cove..i'd worn a pair of slip on Vans and totally wasn't prepared. An old man had stopped to tell us about a beach that no one knew of, called 'hidden beach'.



my question is: if no one knows of this beach, then how is it named??

He also felt it necessary to tell us of a nudist beach down the road called 'Bonny Doon'. Might i add that the guy was probably in his late 50's early 60's wearing a shirt that stated 'I love my myspace'. creeper status? i believe so!! haha.

We kept on with our hike..checking out the cove that we saw from the highway.


Absolutely breath taking. it's out of this world. the serenity and peace we felt is indescribable.

After leaving the beach, we continued our random trip by guessing how to get home. We tried to get on the 156, but ended up driving an hour into the middle of nowhere..we ended up making a big loop and ended up in santa cruz again. we made a second attempt to get onto the 156, but ended up on the 129. someone didn't want us getting on the 156...we made it home safe and sound.
We had an amazing day yesterday =]]